Running

As I run I do not listen to music, I do not listen to a motivate speaker, no I just run. 

There is so much caos in my life, so many noises, so many distractions and when I run I just listen. 

In the past I was good at running now not so much. I was good at running; away from my problems, and away from what I needed to admit. Running was away to avoid the stress in my life that I could not deal with. In high school I became obsessed with running. It was not an enjoyment but a way to keep control in my life. 

 I have come a long way since then. God is showing me so much these past years. I can no longer run away from my problems. I am stronger now.

I met with a good friend of mine this week and she told me about an American Olympian named Ryan Hall. This is his quote she shared with me. 

“I was a runner who happened to be a Christian. I needed to become a Christian who happened to be a runner”                                                                      --Ryan Hall

When she told me about this I immediately felt I needed to live more like this quote.

For so long I have allowed myself to say I was a Christian but I was not following Christ.

Who are we if we do not listen to what we are called to do? So many of us ignore God's calling on our lives. We are not willing to follow Him yet we still want his blessings. 

For so many years I wanted to run away from God and my problems but I still wanted him to run beside me. I was not willing to run the race he called for me so I would go my own way instead. I want to be a Christan first and foremost.

These past times I have ran I have allowed myself to just be quiet (besides my loud gasping for air) and listen to God. Yesterday I was about to give up when I passed a mom yelling at her son to run and catch up to her. As I rounded the corner a little boy no older then 3 came running towards me. As I dodged out of his way he stuck his hand out to me. I could not help but stick my hand out and give him a high five. That little boy has no clue what an impact he made on me. Not only did he bring a smile to my face but a motivation to press on. How many times do we want give up? How many times do we feel all alone? That little boy is a reminder to me that we are not alone. 

No I do not listen to music as I run but I am learning to listen to God for He is my motivation.

Everyday Heroes

It's funny the things kids do and say.
I was working kids night at my work and I loved being able to hold conversations with the kids at the table.

One little boy seemed shy at first but when I asked him how old he was he opened up and began to ramble. He told me he was 4 and his brother was five. Exact quote "my brother can crack pecans." I started to laugh but then quickly realized this was his way of telling me that he looked up to his brother.

How many times to we look up to people because of the little things they do. We often put people on pedestal because of something great they have accomplished or the name they have made for themselves.

If we took the time to stop and think about who we admire or look up to it would not always be celebrities or those who are famous.

Ordinary people are the ones we should look up to.

Who I look up to:

My father. High school drop out, not a Christian, rough background.
Who is he now? A successful man who has his own business. He is amazing at everything he does and a wonderful heart for the Lord and people.

A good friend of mine. My second mother.
She is strong willed but caring. Tough but loving. So many times has she let me and many others into her home, not acting as we are an incontinence. Plus she can fix almost anything :)

Yes there are times when we don't feel that we inspire anyone or that we are just plain and simple but people really do look up to us.

Either if it is your younger siblings or a friend, even a bystander.

Let's strive to be a person someone can look up to but also keep those close to you that inspire you- those that you look up to.

Familia

I love life and family.
I spent the whole day with my family. Thank you God for my amazing family and a on growing extended family as well.
Went to dinner for my grannies 88th birthday. It was good seeing family I hadn't seen it years and pretending I remembered some that I didn't.
Time has changed and we have all grown up. What a change it was seeing everyone after so many years.
Crazy memories and unfamiliar faces.

Some I have a past with others I don't even know whose blood we share.
I love having a big family.

Step forward

I took a step forward and a few steps back today.
It was a tough day but it's going to get better.
I was encouraged today to think of what my needs and wants are.
I can not say I have ever though of those. This should be an interesting experience.

incomprehensible

My mind is constantly wandering today.
I am scared, happy and lost in thought but overall tired.
Off to bed, my mind needs to rest. 

My story

On the outside I'm friendly and outspoken, on the inside I'm afraid and closed. I've been hurt so many times in my life I'm afraid to trust. I have so much inside I have not let out because of fear that I will still be rejected.

I used to look at other people and belittle myself because they seemed to have worst problems then I did. I used to be afraid to even be sad. I felt ashamed because everyone always told me I had everything, when others had almost nothing.

I tired making my problems bigger so that someone would finally give me the time of the day.
Look where that got me.
I did not like to be in the spot light but I hated being rejected.

21 years later and I'm finally allowing myself to let things go. I let fears and bondage go years ago but now I'm letting myself trust people.
I'm going to trust people to know who I was because that's not who I am.
I'm letting people see who I was because that's what has helped me become who I am.

I'm not that lonely troubled teen. I'm not lost or insecure anymore.
I have grown stronger, I have tougher skin and I'm ready to help others get past their insecurities.

Will you listen to my story? I Want to relate to people because we all struggle with similar things.

"God show us how to work though our problems together because binding ourselves together through you, we will find your peace and your freedom."

Letter

Going to write a letter to you.
Not sure if you will ever receive it.
I may just burn it but I feel it's something I need to do.

Healing

Buried in hurt.
Swallowed with pride.
Gasping for air even being outside.
Free to be me but still misplaced.
This journey is continuous
Yet feelings are scarce

Anticipation grows stronger every day.
Longing for closure, but not ready to venture into the past.
Wounds are healing but scars there
As a reminder of who I was and not who I still am.

have you checked your heart?

Not only is February the month of love but it is also "American Heart month".

I was looking at The Centers for Disease control and prevention's web sight and found this

"Cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in the United States; one in every three deaths is from heart disease and stroke, equal to 2,200 deaths per day."

That is a hard thing to grasp isn't it?  Not only are we encouraged to develop a healthier eating habits, exercise and make a doctors visit but we also need to "check" our hearts.

How many of us have things we are holding on to? All of us I would say.

How many of us have hurt that we will not let go? We need to all have a heart check. We need to allow whatever is blocking our hearts go. Especially as girls we tend to hold onto things that someone in a relationship told us or what our parents may have said so many years ago.

I know I myself can remember almost everything hurtful that was said to me by a friend. Yes words hurt but we have to learn to let go.

How is your heart? Are you holding in anger or holding on to hurt? How is your walk with God right now?

Our hearts should be sacred.

A list of things I need to work on.

1. Letting go of hurt.

2. Learning to love (even if it hurts)

3. Forgiving people (even when you do not feel they deserve it)

4. taking care my health. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Insecurity

I was blessed to be able to go on girls retreat yesterday and today.
The girls I work with are so sweet, very open and wanting to learn.
I love that we have such a close knit group of 7th graders. Our topic this weekend was on insecurity.

That is a topic I struggled with for years. It is something that is close to my heart. It was hard seeing these girls, the Hurt in their eyes and how much I knew they could relate.

I would write more but I am tired and my mind is tired. It's been a great couple days with those girls.

"Lord instill in those girls your love for them. Remind them to give you their fears and insecurities. Remind them you will never leave them and your love is unconditional. Help us all not to judge each other but to minister to others. Thank you for this amazing time with so many amazing girls."

We all struggle with insecurities that's part of being human and a girl. What we learned is how as deal with them and knowing to give them to the Lord.

What makes me weird

I find myself surrounded by what i call "weird people" very often. My mom says its because I think everyone is weird. However my dad says by calling someone weird actually means we are simply lacking a adjective for that person. Whatever the case is I do believe everyone has there weird moments, some more than most I might add. I decided I wanted to know what mine are.
Here are a few of what I have been told makes me weird. If you have any please help me add to the list.


1. I Sit Indian style when I sit.
(I catch myself trying to in a dress)
2. I don't usually drive with shoes.
3. I drive with one foot folded on the seat
4. I mix ranch with ketchup to eat my fries.
5. I am in fact a vegetarian
6. As of recently I started eating sausage but only for a certain place.
7. I have a "morning voice"
8. I am reserved but also social
9. I say certain words funny. . Like feel or kill, steal, (mostly with the double e sound.)
10. And also I say milk as if there was a e instead of a I.
11. I am afraid of grasshoppers.
12. When I am woken up only one eye opens till the other adjust.


Help me add more if you will.
:)

Happy ever after?

As I walked out of the movies I began to think about happy endings. Everyone craves a happy ending no matter how different they all look.
"The gray" is a suspenseful movie and It kept us all on the edge of our seats and some such as myself covering our eyes. If you haven't seen it I'm sorry but the ending was horrible. What I mean by that is the fact that we all want a hero, a completion to a story, a life saved, a love rejuvenated, or a lost rescued. In reality life isn't as simple, it isn't always happy. Not to burst bubbles here but the happy ending we all want takes work. The guys in the movie had to put all their differences a side to fight to survive. They had to learn to work together and find something worth living for.
After the movie the lady sitting next to me looked at me and said "all that for nothing?" She was upset as almost all of us were that the movie didn't end with music and Dancing that lives were saved.


There is a reason most all kid movies have a happy ending. We strive to show kids a fairy tale in order to boost their ambitions, to give them hope. Even when we think we are all grown up that kid inside us all wants the happy ending. Yet it is how we work toward it, how we strive to be happy and how dedicated we are yet realistic.

Let's not live life and at the end tell ourself "all that for nothing?" Strive to love, strive to be happy and strive to have a happy ending. Let us come together as a body of Christ and lean on each other to survive.

Happiness.

Happiness is not a hard thing to achieve.
It does not take a large amount of money to have. It is not something you have to be given.
Don't let anyone neglect you from being happy. Happiness should come natural. You do not have to read a book on how to be come happy.

You should wake up in the morning and realize that Happiness is a choice. You can wake up and put everything out in front of you and learn to still be happy.

Happiness is a decision not a mood.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde.

Trust.

I posted last time about my neighbor well here is the update.
He ended up yelling threats through the walls and when I passed him he gave me a look of pure evil. I could feel evil when I passes by him. I was frightened, scared as a little kid afraid of a monster under their bed. So we talked to the office and they got the man evicted. Not just because of me but because it so happened that his window was open and they would hear him yelling racial slurs and other terrible things. He is completely crazy, when asked to leave he didn't protest. He was said to have had nothing in his apartment anyways. The office told me to stay somewhere else or the night which turned to a couple days.

I began hunting for an apartment because I was scared and didn't wanna live there. I came across many obstacles and I felt defeated and sadden.
My boyfriend helped me realize that I only have 4 more months so the wise thing is to just finish the lease. Anywhere else I would go I would have to pay money and sign a whole new lease. While I am still terrified some time I realize something far more important. I need to stop putting my fear in man and give my faith to God.
I am afraid of what man will do to be instead of relying on my heavenly father for protection. I am allowing my fear to overcome my faith.

I am trusting and seeking God for guidance and protection.
This has been a hard lesson but I will never forget it.

My crazy neighbor

For about two weeks now my neighbor next door to me has been yelling constantly.
He recently just moved in and ever since then he yells all day long.
I'm not sure if he is psychotic or he is just angry.
I hear what seems like conversations going on but no one is there, maybe it's a battle or cuss words to himself. I finally told the office and they told him to keep it down but he hasn't stopped.
He knew we were behind the office complaint and threatened us. Maybe the threat is nothing more than an anger issue but I would rather not find out.
Psalm 56:11 "in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

I'll admit I'm still a little bit scared.