incomprehensible

My mind is constantly wandering today.
I am scared, happy and lost in thought but overall tired.
Off to bed, my mind needs to rest. 

My story

On the outside I'm friendly and outspoken, on the inside I'm afraid and closed. I've been hurt so many times in my life I'm afraid to trust. I have so much inside I have not let out because of fear that I will still be rejected.

I used to look at other people and belittle myself because they seemed to have worst problems then I did. I used to be afraid to even be sad. I felt ashamed because everyone always told me I had everything, when others had almost nothing.

I tired making my problems bigger so that someone would finally give me the time of the day.
Look where that got me.
I did not like to be in the spot light but I hated being rejected.

21 years later and I'm finally allowing myself to let things go. I let fears and bondage go years ago but now I'm letting myself trust people.
I'm going to trust people to know who I was because that's not who I am.
I'm letting people see who I was because that's what has helped me become who I am.

I'm not that lonely troubled teen. I'm not lost or insecure anymore.
I have grown stronger, I have tougher skin and I'm ready to help others get past their insecurities.

Will you listen to my story? I Want to relate to people because we all struggle with similar things.

"God show us how to work though our problems together because binding ourselves together through you, we will find your peace and your freedom."

Letter

Going to write a letter to you.
Not sure if you will ever receive it.
I may just burn it but I feel it's something I need to do.

Healing

Buried in hurt.
Swallowed with pride.
Gasping for air even being outside.
Free to be me but still misplaced.
This journey is continuous
Yet feelings are scarce

Anticipation grows stronger every day.
Longing for closure, but not ready to venture into the past.
Wounds are healing but scars there
As a reminder of who I was and not who I still am.

have you checked your heart?

Not only is February the month of love but it is also "American Heart month".

I was looking at The Centers for Disease control and prevention's web sight and found this

"Cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in the United States; one in every three deaths is from heart disease and stroke, equal to 2,200 deaths per day."

That is a hard thing to grasp isn't it?  Not only are we encouraged to develop a healthier eating habits, exercise and make a doctors visit but we also need to "check" our hearts.

How many of us have things we are holding on to? All of us I would say.

How many of us have hurt that we will not let go? We need to all have a heart check. We need to allow whatever is blocking our hearts go. Especially as girls we tend to hold onto things that someone in a relationship told us or what our parents may have said so many years ago.

I know I myself can remember almost everything hurtful that was said to me by a friend. Yes words hurt but we have to learn to let go.

How is your heart? Are you holding in anger or holding on to hurt? How is your walk with God right now?

Our hearts should be sacred.

A list of things I need to work on.

1. Letting go of hurt.

2. Learning to love (even if it hurts)

3. Forgiving people (even when you do not feel they deserve it)

4. taking care my health. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Insecurity

I was blessed to be able to go on girls retreat yesterday and today.
The girls I work with are so sweet, very open and wanting to learn.
I love that we have such a close knit group of 7th graders. Our topic this weekend was on insecurity.

That is a topic I struggled with for years. It is something that is close to my heart. It was hard seeing these girls, the Hurt in their eyes and how much I knew they could relate.

I would write more but I am tired and my mind is tired. It's been a great couple days with those girls.

"Lord instill in those girls your love for them. Remind them to give you their fears and insecurities. Remind them you will never leave them and your love is unconditional. Help us all not to judge each other but to minister to others. Thank you for this amazing time with so many amazing girls."

We all struggle with insecurities that's part of being human and a girl. What we learned is how as deal with them and knowing to give them to the Lord.